‘Respect’ is vital to parenting, but the word can confuse us, especially when it comes to setting limits with toddlers.
Children need lots of opportunities to be autonomous and have their choices respected. At the same time, they also need to know they’re not in charge, and we demonstrate that through our confident, decisive, gentle leadership. It can be tricky figuring out how to balance these seemingly opposing needs. How do we know when our children should choose and when they need us to?
If our toddlers could let us know when we are giving them too much freedom and causing them to feel uncomfortably powerful, they probably wouldn’t…at least, not verbally. But these uneasy feelings are usually expressed through our toddlers’ behavior as they become more resistant, whiny, distracted or clingy, or continue to test until we give them the help they need. Meaning, until we make a choice for them.
It might seem ironic (and unfair!) that giving our children freedom to choose can cause them to test our boundaries even more, but there we are.
Is this the thanks we get?
Two year olds aren’t terrible — they’re torn. As much as they appear to want to be in charge, the reality of that power is frightening and can severely undermine their sense of security.
Most of the choices toddlers can’t comfortably make are about transitions.
This makes sense. Toddlers are already in the middle of a massive transition, growing and changing at a dizzying pace. Even the most minor transitions mean giving up the temporary balance they’ve managed to attain and finding their footing in a new situation. And when we give toddlers more than one brief choice during times of transition, we invite them to dig their heels in.
Here’s an example…
Your two year old has been invited to a party and suddenly, mysteriously puts on the brakes as you approach the host’s door. “No want to!” he whines.
You’re thrown, or perhaps you’ve begun to expect this kind of behavior. “Well, what’s the hurry?” you say to yourself. “After all, we’re only here for my boy to have a good time. I don’t want him to be upset.”
So you wait with your child while he wanders around the front yard. You wait, wait and wait some more for your child to tell you he’s ready. You certainly don’t want to enter your friend’s house carrying a screaming child. And this should be his choice, right? But because you are human, you’re losing patience and getting annoyed (which is usually a sign that you need to set a limit). You try coaxing him with delectable descriptions of balloons, games, and yummy cake, all of which you know he adores. Still, he refuses.
Should you…
a. Keep waiting, coaxing and getting more peeved
b. Go back home
c. Let him know it’s time to go in, carry him inside and face his possibly explosive negative reaction.
d. Give him the choice of going in now or in three minutes (or perhaps the choice of walking or being carried) and then follow through with c.
As you might have guessed, I recommend d. Once you’re inside I’d allow the child to choose to stay on your lap for as long as he wishes or participate in the party, and be prepared to possibly repeat d. when it’s time to leave (the joy!).
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